Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
