She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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