I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
