I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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