I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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