Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
