I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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