I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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