I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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