Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
