Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
