i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
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He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
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I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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