mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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