He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
