If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
