The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
