Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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