my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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