Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
