dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
