Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
