4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just invented taco cereal.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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