He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
