I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
