I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
