Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
