She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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