its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
