So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
