I puked a lego.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
