Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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