I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
