I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
