Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
