It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
