Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
