Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
