yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
