ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
