my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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