wrigley field is MILF paradise
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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