Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
