I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
