I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
