i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
