i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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