he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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