I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
