nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
