i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
