I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
