Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
