He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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