Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
