I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
