I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
