i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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