i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize