thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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