Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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